Sunday, May 25, 2014

Tales of Interest: : Let's Invade Titan

    You read it here first. Genesis. The nexus from which the greatest article of foreign diplomacy that was ever launched. For far too long humanity has been squabbling and bickering amongst themselves over borders, religion, and most recently, resources. Russia's "platonic two-step" simultaneously swallowed the oil producing regions of the Ukraine along with it's offshore reserves while signing an historic 400 billion dollar natural gas deal with China. Meanwhile China is amassing troops on it's border with Vietnam while three hundred vessels attempt to erect an offshore drilling platform in a contested area of water between the two countries. Lest we forget, the United States and it's abysmally executed invasion of Iraq during the last administration for many of the same reasons. We are fractious and divided and it is in our nature to destroy ourselves. This is is why I propose something monumental, an event so historic and daring all of humanity will having nothing but unite and to fight as one. Yes, I propose we invade the moon Titan.

     Think about it though. We're fighting each other for hydrocarbons that are increasingly inaccessible and of poor quality and doing humanity and the notion of "progress" a huge disservice fighting each other over it. Wouldn't it so much more convenient manufacturing an enemy on a distant uninhabited moon orbiting Saturn (my least favorite planet by the way) that is suppressing political opposition or discriminating against Russian speakers or harboring weapons of mass of destruction than going through the whole song-and-dance on this planet, because frankly I'm a little tired of it?
   My real fear is that in my life time we'll get so tired of the whole playbook we won't even bother anymore because we'll just know what's going to come next. "Lichtenstein has been developing weapons of mass destruction!" the headline will read. Rather than waste everyone's time, we'll just say "I know where this all going." "Australia has been suppressing Brazilian speakers in the conveniently mineral-rich areas of the outback," another will say. Because we know some sort of armed intervention is going to take place the Chinese expeditionary force just shows up the next day after tabling some sort of limp-wristed UN resolution while sporting a lot less pubic hair.

    If we were to invade Titan we could do it all together because we're such experts at it. We wouldn't have to fight one another anymore. "We're off to fight the Titans, long a moon that has harbored terrorists while listening to Canadian artists like Anne Murray and Justin Beiber," our 'Support the Troops' posters would show. That would whip people into a frenzy. We could pretty much create our own story and do what ever we want. Throw in a film crew and then we have next summer's blockbuster which can help pay for it.
    Is the whole idea so far fetched? No, not really. Also in my lifetime a country other than the United States will have landed on the moon, and with the presence of social media and a camera on every phone I'm pretty sure it'll be difficult for someone to argue it was done on a sound stage on the outskirts of Mumbai. "One small step for the glorious people of the Republic of China, lol!" they can tweet. India, China and Russia all want to land on the moon in the next forty years. A group of tech billionaires have already created Planetary Resources Inc., a company that will use robots to mine asteroids. Over drinks one of them will say, "why not a whole planet? I hear Titan has oil." They'll speak to their congressman and the well used playbook will go into effect.